RIDER NOTE: I’ve prepared for President Trump the resignation speech I’d love for him to deliver. I’m sure he’ll give it serious consideration.
MY FELLOW AMERICANS
I’ve decided to resign. Not immediately, but sixty days from now. Let me explain.
At heart, I’m a businessman, not a politician. I enjoy life — admittedly I’m a bit of a hedonist. Frankly I’m a crude, impetuous person ill-fitted for the dignified office of President.
Moreover, my wife, children and grandchildren have been mercilessly attacked by the media — even accosted by mentally deranged airline passengers who are then lionized by liberals. I didn’t realize how low the Left would stoop once I was elected President..
My persona has become the defining characteristic of my Presidency. While it was crucial to my winning the race for President, now it detracts from the very real progress and reforms that we have been implementing.
Am I worried about impeachment? Hell no! There are not the slightest grounds for impeachment, but that circus will continue to be touted by the media until I’m gone. We need to end this sideshow and get on with improving America.
If I remain as President, I’m going to be the boogeyman of the 2018 and 2020 elections — the Democrats’ poster child as they try to turn America into a racially divided, simpering country with socialist values (think France). The mainstream media is working 24/7 towards this goal. Sadly I’ve concluded that their strategy may very well work — IF I’m still in office.
The Democrats have formed some crappy little front they like to call “The Resistance.” I’m the glue that holds that media-backed coalition together. I’m going to give them their wish by resigning — and thereby gut their entire strategy. They will be lost without me — and they will lose, period.
The best part is that I’ll be resigning as a winner. It’s amazing what I’ve been able to accomplish in such a short time. Consider:
- In my brief tenure we have dramatically reversed the direction of federal regulation. I’ve put people in the cabinet who strongly support regulatory reform — including DEregulation. Doubtless this effort will continue after I have resigned.
- I’ve appointed the best damn Supreme Court justice available — a man who solidifies the pro-Constitution majority of our nation’s highest court. Perhaps my most important accomplishment was to keep the court from going over to the Dark Side — a certainty if Hillary had been elected.
- I’ve given stirring landmark speeches establishing America as the bastion of Western civilization — striking fear into the hearts of committed progressives everywhere. Europe is going downhill, and probably can’t be saved. Too bad for them. The concept of limited government, individual (not class) rights and UNlimited opportunity will continue in America — IF that’s what our voters desire. If not — well, we deserve the government we elect, I suppose.
- We have put Europe on notice that the days of our military welfare subsidies are behind us. Henceforth America expects Europe to carry its share of the load — and to be TRUE allies of our nation.
- The UN has been warned that our huge subsidies for this cabal of third world thugs and socialist supporters are in jeopardy. Before I resign I plan to make our reduction in UN payments a fait accompli. My successor can decide if continued UN membership is even a good idea for America.
Speaking of successors, I could ask for no better choice than Vice President Mike Pence. He is probably the most qualified VP our country has had in decades — perhaps the best ever! He’s a solid conservative, he looks Presidential and he acts Presidential. He’s successfully run a state and he’s been invaluable to my administration’s organization.
Mike Pence is ready to step in and help guide the nation to increased freedom and prosperity. Indeed, he’s the American haters’ worst nightmare.
Mr. Pence is his own man. We agree on most issues, disagree on a few others. But I admire his integrity and his principled love of liberty.
So now the lingering question you’ve all been pondering — why wait 60 days to resign? Two good reasons:
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1. I’m NOT resigning in disgrace. Or because of any illegal activity. I’m just stepping down to make way for an able replacement — disabling the media-fed hate campaign against “deplorables” who supported my candidacy.
2. One promise I made to the American public was to “drain the swamp.” As it turns out, that’s easier said than done. But I want to complete that task as much as possible before I depart. As the Comey example demonstrated, a Republican firing someone is always criticized by the media. If I had fired him the day I took office, I would have been criticized just as much as when I fired him months’ later. The media is hard-wired to criticize any Republican in office.
So I’m going to make it easy for Vice President Pence. I’ve got a long list of people I SHOULD have fired, but didn’t. Mr. Pence could fire them after taking office, but he’d doubtless get castigated for each and every bureaucrat he dismissed. So I’ll do it for him, and take the heat. The first one to go will be that clown running the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau who thinks HE’s supposed to be making laws rather than Congress.
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America, you’re a TERRIFIC country. I’m honored and forever grateful for your selection of me as your President. I’ve done my job, reversing the downward spiral of our great nation. Now I’m returning to private life — letting the very able Mike Pence take the helm.
For vitriolic progressives, I leave you with this admonition: “Be careful what you wish for.” You got what you wanted, but you didn’t think it through. Now your chances of returning to power anytime soon are more remote than ever.