For those FR readers that have followed my one-Senator crusade to save our planet – or as I like to call her "Mother Gaia", I sadly have to report I have given up. :-(
* I’ve bought carbon credits.
* I’ve defended mean attacks on Al Gore for living large and jetting around the world in private planes while he tells others to live small and take the bus.
* I even wrote legislation to encourage others to buy carbon credits and drive in the HOV lane.
But for all my good deeds, I had reality abruptly slap me in the face yesterday when my bill to stop global warming was killed by Senate Democrats.
I’m an emotional wreck.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
April 8, 2008
BATTIN DROPS EFFORT TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING
Annual Temperature Declines and Fuzzy Science don’t Merit Major Change to Society
Demands Refund for Aviator Carbon Credit
SACRAMENTO – Senator Jim Battin (R- La Quinta) dropped legislation today that would encourage every owner of a polluting, fuel sucking car to buy their way into a "carbon neutral" lifestyle to stop global warming. SB 1374 would have allowed car owners who purchase carbon credits that offset the carbon dioxide emissions of their vehicles to participate in the Clean Air – High Occupancy Vehicle (HOV) decal program, allowing the driver to use an HOV lane.
Battin saw SB 1374 as a perfect opportunity to jump start the state’s effort to single-handedly stop the fractionally small rise in global temperature. Unfortunately, the Senate Transportation Committee did not share Battin’s optimism. Perhaps it was a recent BBC News article published on April 4, 2008 that read, "Global temperatures to decrease", which has the Committee questioning the State’s future global warming efforts.
Battin himself decided to go "carbon neutral" immediately after he was scolded by the Contra Costa Times’ article that read, "Lawmakers’ flashy, fuel-sucking cars on road at the expense of taxpayers". "I was embarrassingly caught using excess energy. The only thing I could do was take action," Battin declared. "I couldn’t think of a better way to become a true champion of the environment than by going "carbon neutral" with my car. Carbon credits allow environmentalists like Al Gore to feel good about themselves without having to engage in the sacrifices asked of average consumers. Sounded good to me," said Battin.
Battin immediately purchased a $45 DriveNeutral Certificate which simply states that his CO2 emissions have been offset for one year. However, due to the Committee’s lack of enthusiasm for SB 1374, Battin is now questioning the validity of the carbon offset program and is looking into a refund for his Aviator’s carbon credit.
Battin stated, "I don’t want to say I feel cheated by the promise of saving the planet, but OK I feel cheated. I purchased this credit to do something about climate change." With the Committee’s lackluster response, and recent press coverage pointing towards a looming global cooling crisis, Battin believes the "global warming" alarm is likely overheated.
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I just don’t get it. When AB 32 passed the Democrats didn’t have any problems with hoping on a wish and a prayer that carbon credits would solve the "climate crisis", but yesterday, they didn’t believe in them. The Chairman actually told me that one of the reasons he was opposed to my bill is that California didn’t have standards or an accreditation process for carbon credits.
Go figure. The Democrats had one belief one day, and another completely contradictory belief the next. I don’t think that’s ever happened before.
I’m sad, so sad. The earth is doomed.
April 9th, 2008 at 12:00 am
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!
This is hilarious! You’ve totally outdone yourself with this one! Love it!
April 10th, 2008 at 12:00 am
Nick,
Didn’t your parents teach you that it isn’t nice to make fun of others’ misery?
April 10th, 2008 at 12:00 am
It’s time for people to do something about global cooling! Repealing AB 32 is not enough — we need to load up the atmosphere with greenhouse gasses.
I, for one, am willing to do something about it myself! I plan to start selling carbon credits. Not credits to take carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere, but credits to put it back in.
For just $100, I will burn a huge pile of horse manure and household trash in my burn barrel, thus releasing enough carbond dioxide to marginally increase the Earth’s temperature to off-set global cooling.
For $1,000, I will light a truck tire and smoke a cigar while it burns. We all need to do our part in the fight against global cooling!